I am not proud to admit this, but for me the “stay at home” movement in response to the recent COVID-19 pandemic was met with some initial resistance.
My mother and my mother’s mother have always been the type of strong women who never got sick and when they did, the world for their families stopped. (A “sleep in” for my mum is still 6:00am and my sisters and I have all been living out of home for the better part of a decade. I’m inspired by these women and count myself lucky to have such strong role models in my life.)
I remember dropping my mother a cup of tea one day when she was sick only to hear her say “I don’t have time for this”. Rather than just lying there and mentally rest amongst whatever physical suffering she was going through, she gave herself a hard time.
In the small amount of times I can actually remember mum being sick I would tell her; “You wouldn’t be saying that to me right now, if I was sick.”
When I was sick, mum used to say something along the lines of, “Take this opportunity to rest. You don’t need to apologise for being unwell, you are human. You do an amazing job balancing all your different responsibilities and to expect that you will never get sick is an unfair and unrealistic expectation to have of yourself.”
And while this message has sunken in for the most part when I’m unwell, the “live fast or not at all” mentality is strongly present when I’m in full health. It is loudest when I am stuck in traffic on a time limit and someone is driving slowly. It’s there at the end of the day when I look at list of tasks left incomplete in my dairy despite working steadily throughout the day. Even as I sit here and write, I am looking at my new pot plant which is clearly struggling to adapt to the climate in our house. I have done all I know to do to care for it but its looking unhealthy and teetering on the edge of death. I find myself wishing for it to either decide to thrive or hurry up and die so I can find a pot plant that will enjoy being in its spot.
So, getting back to COVID-19, a few short weeks ago, just as the “stay at home” movement was announced, I caught myself thinking; “Well if people’s immune systems aren’t strong enough to survive COVID-19, maybe they aren’t strong enough to live.” At the time I justified these thoughts with arguments about overpopulation and survival of the fittest.
I know, it’s bad. (But before you start writing me hate mail, please read on.) Things like this are so easily said when it is about other nameless, faceless people, but not when it is about those we know and love.
It’s a cheap seat for someone who doesn’t suffer from respiratory issues. In fact, I am the very living definition of privilege.
And what we know about privilege is that it is ignorant and forgetful of the needs of others. Yet, just because I might not be seeing the need, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I can’t just pick and choose which needs are cute enough to warrant my care.
So no, this was not a proud moment for me, because I believe it is okay to need something or to ask for a little help. We live in a fast-paced society where we “need it done yesterday” and where money makes the world go ‘round. But, here we are, maybe for the first time in history, placing value on health and human life over the economy. That really warms my heart and it is something that I am so proud to be a part of.
So why am I sharing this? I don’t think I am the only one who has ever had ambivalent feelings. I think by getting conflicting thoughts and feelings out in the light of day and seeing them for what they are can really help us learn what we truly believe and help us grow in ourselves.
So where did my resistance come from? At the same time that COVID-19 got more serious, there is something else that got more serious and this thing in particular get’s me quite hot under the collar. That thing is fear. I get one whiff of it and it makes me want to run into it’s epicentre and start a rebellion rave party there.
What do we know about fear? Fear is the opposite to love and everything it represents including faith. Fear shuts down our body’s natural ability to fight disease. Fear inhibits our ability to innovate and think creatively. Fear has been used and abused as a highly affective coercive tactic time and time again to control people.
And I think that’s it, right there.
Right at the centre of my anger, there is passion. Passion for people to be free from abuse of power, coercion, and control. My passion is for people to step into their greatest selves and contribute, what only they can towards history.
But here’s where my anger got ahead of me. Fear and danger are not the same things. Too many times we are held back by fear, when there is no actual threat. And when that happens we pay with our lives. Life is precious and of course we should value safety but the only thing more tragic than dying, is to do so without ever having truly lived.
As it turns out COVID-19 is a danger and could kill many of our most vulnerable. Our hospitals are over-run. Our governments are doing the best job they know how. And at last it all makes sense to me. I just need to learn patience. (Wish me luck!)
So please, look after those close to you and stay safe during this period. And may COVID-19 remind us about the difference between actual danger, and fears that only hold us back. Let’s use this knowledge to propel us forward, to grab life by both hands and unleash our brilliance. Don’t be shy now.
If you are feeling brave, I would love to hear about some of the dreams you have that scare and excite you.