Throughout life, I always wondered if God knew who I was really. Was He really there, like right there, for me to talk with?
God’s answers to these accusations came to me during 1990. It was at this time that my husband was sick and in hospital for long stints. We didn’t know for sure if he would live or die. I remember lying in bed before going to sleep. I felt numb, and I remember wanting to talk to someone, someone who could comfort me and tell me it was all going to be okay, but, I couldn’t even pray. I remember feeling like I desperately wanted to. Then I remember thinking; “I can’t. I have no words. Oh my God, I can’t even pray.”
I was calm though. I’m not sure if that was just shock. Is it possible to be in shock for six months every day? Or perhaps it was that I was surrounded by a spirit, so closely protecting and supporting me that there was no need to pray. He was enveloping me. Like when you turn to say something to your closest love, and they’re there, and you know they already know. I remember saying to a work colleague at his funeral; “I feel like I’m in a bubble. I can see and hear everything, but where I am is just calm and quiet. I’m moving through my days, going here and there, but nothing is touching me.”
I choose to believe, God was so closely surrounding me, carrying me, until I could walk again and feel again, without being overwhelmed. I hope you take comfort that whoever or whatever you believe in, (God, the Universe, Mother Nature, etc.), that they are conspiring in your favour.
Thanks for sharing Di, you have been an inspiration to me for many years. Although I don’t know your whole journey it’s great to know your faith is still significant. At times when I feel most distant from God often it is the catalyst for God to move me to see how he works so differently from my expectations! He is most gracious with me when I don’t want to seek him!
I choose to believe he has the best for me; my struggle is to actively live this in all areas of my heart.