You may not think that you are a leader. I don’t necessarily see myself as one but I sure know that I was brought up by them.
Growing up I don’t remember seeing my mum idle ever. I don’t ever remember being out of bed before her with exception to Saturdays when we were young and my sisters and I would watch cartoons in the lounge. She turned herself inside out and lost hours of sleep on a regular basis just so the rest of the family could resume life as normal. But if you said that you needed to talk, a shoulder to cry on, or wanted to take up a new dance class, she was unwavering in her support. She taught us to clean, wash and cook for ourselves so it was hard not to leave home without a good work ethic. We never needed to question whether or not we were loved because she told us every day.
My mum’s mum raised four children, made two course meals every night, knitted, crocheted and sewed clothes, ran her own business, grew fruit and vege, and was always at church on Sundays. As a grandma she took us down to their old shack, organised craft activities and taught us how to play checkers, scrabble and cards.
My dads mum raised three children, made clothes with a certain flair for fashion including; dance costumes (for more than just her own children), and even a few wedding dresses. She took classes in china painting, quilting, and horticulture. She was a great cook and even better at desserts. As a grandparent, her and grandpa were always there for birthday dinners. They read us stories. When I went to her house to be minded, she would make me a peanut butter sandwich with a side of banana chips.
Each of my grandmothers kept fastidiously clean, tidy houses. They gave birth in a time where husbands were not present in the room to support them or witness their strength.
I don’t always feel strong, but knowing that they went before me and were strong gives me the courage that if I can do even half of what they did for their families, mine will be okay.
But there is something else that women do, that isn’t talked about. Many don’t even realise what’s happening until they leave the building.
They create traditions.
Every year, the most anticipated weeks in my family are the 2 weeks we spend camping with extended family at Port Elliot. I always knew it was something that came from my dad’s side of the family, but it was not until my grandma’s funeral that I found out she was responsible for pitching the idea to grandpa and getting them on board. As a consequence, my childhood traditions have involved holidays in Port Elliot with cousins, a tradition that is going on it’s 4th generation.
My dad’s mum also always shopped at the central market in Adelaide. My mum followed suit and as teenagers, my sisters and I worked our first jobs there. My grandparents would still come in for a coffee at my work on Fridays often sitting and chatting on a table with mum and my boss. I still go to the Central Market weekly when I am in Adelaide, because no matter where I am staying, it feels as though a part of me lives there.
My mum was responsible for creating a tonne of traditions as we grew up. Each birthday we all got to choose our birthday cake out of the Women’s Weekly Birthday Cake cook book and she would make it without fail. Although our designs were creatively demanding, mum made them happily and probably breathed a sigh of relief once we all reach an age where we stopped asking for 3D structures, featuring pools of jelly and Disney character faces. We also did Christmas cooking annually, and she now sews Christmas stockings for all of the grandchildren.
There are so many traditions the matriarchs of my family were responsible for. My sisters and I now discuss that we didn’t realise how much they did for us until it is now our turn to do it for our families. It’s true what they say; give the woman a house and she will make it a home. Traditions all seem trivial, until they don’t happen anymore. But traditions mark rights of passage that help us pause to reflect and celebrate life’s special moments together. They help us connect, make us feel appreciated and loved.
When I think about it, I owe so much to my mother and grandmothers. They didn’t like to be the centre of attention but in many ways matriarchs all over the world are our everyday leaders that inspire, support and love us into the people we have become today that shape the future tomorrow.
They leave big boots to fill with every passing generation. And only leave a few reminders that they too are indeed human. I have been around long enough now to notice that:
1. They have all lost it.
Whether it’s a good cry, slamming the beetroot down so hard on the bench that it splashes up and stains the ceiling, or a good old vent, I don’t know of any mother who hasn’t lost it. Fair enough too. They all worked hard and invested so much. But they all get up ready to go again the next day. If your mother has started to yell, chances are she has a good reason. The real take away here is that, that level of care should not be taken fore-granted.
2. They all give themselves a hard time.
In our family, there are incidents that are never forgotten. We laugh about them now, but in the moment the pain was quite real. My mum still reminisces about her mum packing the whole family up in the car for a holiday at the shack and about an hour away from the destination remembering with despair that she forgot to pack the sharp knife. Something that seems eye roll worthy for kids, but when you think about preparing 6 weeks’ worth of meals for 6 people, without one, her reaction is a little more reasonable. Life is not as difficult in modern times as it once was, but in many ways it presents a host of new challenges. The most important take away here for me is that acknowledging that as a woman of a family, the load can get heavy. Recognising that it is heavy, that mistakes will get made and that it is a normal part of the human experience helps.
What do you know how to do? Where is the need?
When my grandmother was diagnosed with dementia, she was encouraged to keep her mind active. Truth be told, she would have preferred to have kept active, but with failing eyesight many of her hobbies escaped her. She told me how the doctors stressed the importance of keeping active mentally, but that she was quite content to sit.
Now that she is gone, I look back at that conversation with fresh eyes. If she wanted to sit, well fair enough. When your grandparents start to slow down it is easy to forget how fierce and tenacious they once were. I’m glad that grandma let herself slow down, because she well and truly earned it.
Those from my family who went before me, may not have seen themselves as leaders but they do inspire me to reflect on my own life. What do I know how to do? Where is the need?
Because that’s all they ever did for us. They weren’t rich but they were resourceful.
They did what they knew how to do. It’s all we could have ever asked for and it’s what changed our lives for the better.
Have a Merry Christmas and may you cherish it with the family you have.
Dedicated to my grandma, may she rest in peace.